What to say to celebrities when you meet them...

Hey! This is Phil Larry Potter's father, here...Tony. That's Phil Larry on my right hand. In my left hand is some fat kid I stole. I'm a simple man and not too glib, so I always get tongue tied when I meet a celebrity. Here's an example. One time I met Roseanne on the bus in Boston, so I say, "Hey, cunt! Nice facelift, you twat!". Two people applauded, but others looked at me strangely. In hindsight I might have been too forward, so I have compiled a list of generic things to say to celebrities on the street. Let's try it out!

Okay, here's super star Sherman Hemsley. Try out this fantastic line that you could say to anyone on him and you'll be drinking buds in no time...
"Oh, wow! I just shit myself, can you please spank me to jar the rest loose? By the way, I fucked your grandmother in the ass."


What celebrity wouldn't be flattered by that question? Okay, lets try another...

Here's either Shelley Long or Liza Minelli. You meet her in a restaurant and throw this at her..."Oh boy! Your work in that movie and or show really inspired me to beat up some gays!"

You can use that line on a male celebrity as well, but I've found it more relevant to broads who act. Now here's a great line I use on foreign celebrities like Danny DeVito...

"Hello mam or sir. Do you feel your work makes women have abortions?"


That question puts the celebrity at ease and strokes their egos at the same time! I like this next one too. Its great for someone who may only look like a celebrity, but is really just a plate full of food...

"Pardon me, but can I rub my nutsack on your face?"

Its a classic line and is ambiguous enough not to get you arrested. Sometimes I can't tell if something is a famous athlete or coat rack, so I keep this one up my sleeve...

"Excuse me, but are you the athlete and or coatrack that scored many points the other night?"

Atletes AND coat racks love to be flattered.

So thats my tutorial on what to say to celebrities on the street. I have to go pick up Phil Larry at his AA meeting and bring him to work at the bowling alley.

Jonesville, Idaho

Greetings, fuckfaces and erection chewers! I live in this shithole called Jonesville...look at this Ethiopian asshole of a town! You can't even fit through the fucking doors unless you're some lego faggot! Anyway, I gotta stop complaining all the time, I sound like one of those wimpy concentration camp survivors...IF that really happened. So here's where I live and I'll introduce you to some of the other winners I bunk with...

So here's Mario Lopez and Chief Auto Parts, they were extras in The Whale Rider. These two assholes get a nice government subsidy for not being able to read. They live on the third floor over the pizza joint, so instead of smelling like curry, they smell like an Italian whorehouse.

Here's old Barry Tinkle Lips. The elephant isn't real. Barry has it on casters and just rocks back and forth making it move about. Barry is who we use to settle disputes around town. His method of arbitration is to roll into a room and start singing old Squeeze singles...the room then clears. Barry is mildly retarded and obviously a member of Hisstank.com.

The guy with the eyepatch is Hernando. He panhandles and does a little hooking too. His best customer is this guy:

Thats right! Me! Hahahahahahaha! Now we just recently had a tragedy here in Jonesville. Treehugger, the caveman, went on a bender in my Beetle with some of the other guys. They found a canister of helium rolling down the street and got high and stole my car...

...it was pretty bad. Paul the gorilla was taking a hit of helium and dropped the canister on Treehugger's foot and they ran into Barry...

...no big deal! We ate him!

The Force...Doggy Style!

Attention infidels! I am Mecca Jones, controller of this truthcast! I have assembled other ignorant infidels, like yourselves, and will ask them why they will die a fiery death at the hands of one of my sisters instead of embracing Islam, like a juicy one legged virgin!

This is where I stand up, shoot my gun and yell, "Jihad!"

Please welcome the future tenants of Hell: Ugnaught Murphy, Emperor Palpatine and origami giraffe. I will ask them questions about imaginary things like science, logic and morals. I will start with Infidel Murphy...

Mecca-Space demon! Do you find it difficult to pray to Muhammed with such short legs?
Ugnaught-I fucked your mother and sister on these stubby knees, then I used my pig nose to sniff your father's asshole.

Emperor Palpatine-I too have sniffed your father's asshole, but i used The Force to do it.
Ugnaught-Thats a gyp, man. Use yo real nose, dawg...that Force bullshit filters a cornhole aroma.

Silence! My father gave his life in the name of Muhammed! He walked into a school full of 3 year olds and blew them up in the name of justice and love and goats!

Now I must mention our sponsor, The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine. Procure one of these machines and place food stuffs on it.

Mecca-Stop this immediately! We do not sodomize other guests on this show!
Ugnaught-Your mother's next, raghead!
Emperor Palpatine-I think the Ugnaught is right, the giraffe's asshole feels different. Maybe I should jam some force lightning down his butt???

This truthcast is concluded! Jihad!