What to say to celebrities when you meet them...

Hey! This is Phil Larry Potter's father, here...Tony. That's Phil Larry on my right hand. In my left hand is some fat kid I stole. I'm a simple man and not too glib, so I always get tongue tied when I meet a celebrity. Here's an example. One time I met Roseanne on the bus in Boston, so I say, "Hey, cunt! Nice facelift, you twat!". Two people applauded, but others looked at me strangely. In hindsight I might have been too forward, so I have compiled a list of generic things to say to celebrities on the street. Let's try it out!

Okay, here's super star Sherman Hemsley. Try out this fantastic line that you could say to anyone on him and you'll be drinking buds in no time...
"Oh, wow! I just shit myself, can you please spank me to jar the rest loose? By the way, I fucked your grandmother in the ass."


What celebrity wouldn't be flattered by that question? Okay, lets try another...

Here's either Shelley Long or Liza Minelli. You meet her in a restaurant and throw this at her..."Oh boy! Your work in that movie and or show really inspired me to beat up some gays!"

You can use that line on a male celebrity as well, but I've found it more relevant to broads who act. Now here's a great line I use on foreign celebrities like Danny DeVito...

"Hello mam or sir. Do you feel your work makes women have abortions?"


That question puts the celebrity at ease and strokes their egos at the same time! I like this next one too. Its great for someone who may only look like a celebrity, but is really just a plate full of food...

"Pardon me, but can I rub my nutsack on your face?"

Its a classic line and is ambiguous enough not to get you arrested. Sometimes I can't tell if something is a famous athlete or coat rack, so I keep this one up my sleeve...

"Excuse me, but are you the athlete and or coatrack that scored many points the other night?"

Atletes AND coat racks love to be flattered.

So thats my tutorial on what to say to celebrities on the street. I have to go pick up Phil Larry at his AA meeting and bring him to work at the bowling alley.

Jonesville, Idaho

Greetings, fuckfaces and erection chewers! I live in this shithole called Jonesville...look at this Ethiopian asshole of a town! You can't even fit through the fucking doors unless you're some lego faggot! Anyway, I gotta stop complaining all the time, I sound like one of those wimpy concentration camp survivors...IF that really happened. So here's where I live and I'll introduce you to some of the other winners I bunk with...

So here's Mario Lopez and Chief Auto Parts, they were extras in The Whale Rider. These two assholes get a nice government subsidy for not being able to read. They live on the third floor over the pizza joint, so instead of smelling like curry, they smell like an Italian whorehouse.

Here's old Barry Tinkle Lips. The elephant isn't real. Barry has it on casters and just rocks back and forth making it move about. Barry is who we use to settle disputes around town. His method of arbitration is to roll into a room and start singing old Squeeze singles...the room then clears. Barry is mildly retarded and obviously a member of Hisstank.com.

The guy with the eyepatch is Hernando. He panhandles and does a little hooking too. His best customer is this guy:

Thats right! Me! Hahahahahahaha! Now we just recently had a tragedy here in Jonesville. Treehugger, the caveman, went on a bender in my Beetle with some of the other guys. They found a canister of helium rolling down the street and got high and stole my car...

...it was pretty bad. Paul the gorilla was taking a hit of helium and dropped the canister on Treehugger's foot and they ran into Barry...

...no big deal! We ate him!

The Force...Doggy Style!

Attention infidels! I am Mecca Jones, controller of this truthcast! I have assembled other ignorant infidels, like yourselves, and will ask them why they will die a fiery death at the hands of one of my sisters instead of embracing Islam, like a juicy one legged virgin!

This is where I stand up, shoot my gun and yell, "Jihad!"

Please welcome the future tenants of Hell: Ugnaught Murphy, Emperor Palpatine and origami giraffe. I will ask them questions about imaginary things like science, logic and morals. I will start with Infidel Murphy...

Mecca-Space demon! Do you find it difficult to pray to Muhammed with such short legs?
Ugnaught-I fucked your mother and sister on these stubby knees, then I used my pig nose to sniff your father's asshole.

Emperor Palpatine-I too have sniffed your father's asshole, but i used The Force to do it.
Ugnaught-Thats a gyp, man. Use yo real nose, dawg...that Force bullshit filters a cornhole aroma.

Silence! My father gave his life in the name of Muhammed! He walked into a school full of 3 year olds and blew them up in the name of justice and love and goats!

Now I must mention our sponsor, The George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Machine. Procure one of these machines and place food stuffs on it.

Mecca-Stop this immediately! We do not sodomize other guests on this show!
Ugnaught-Your mother's next, raghead!
Emperor Palpatine-I think the Ugnaught is right, the giraffe's asshole feels different. Maybe I should jam some force lightning down his butt???

This truthcast is concluded! Jihad!

Tings Wrong Wit Americans!!!

Herro, I am Jay! You may know me from my terrible customs and photography on Joedios. I also have deformed feet and never leave my wigwam! I am now going to pull up my dress and show you my feet..

I soak them in my own urine every night, that's supposed to help, right?

So, I hear nobody likes me and many people wish I was dead. In my defense, all Americans are the same and the only thing worse than American skunk rapists are Australian pony molesters!Is it because of shitty conversations like this that have made me disliked by so many? I only tell it like it is with a dash of anger due to my deformities and lack of photographic or social skills!
"

Quote:

Originally Posted by tycondrius23 hmmm well i have seen some sweet baronIron bloods made with that chap mai welders mask on various bodys as for red laser 99% of the time its been a CC repaint head all from the various lines . but that being said I was thinking maybe you could use a seldom used CC head wich is the 1991 version 4 head . just paint in the face plate to match lasers as for body maybe a retouched worms ? or even use that for Barons base and use IG destro for lasers

The Chap Mei welder's mask is the worst thing ever for Ironblood.
I've seen it used numerous times and it looked awful every time.

Baron Ironblood's headgear is a stylish Medieval great helm, not a goofy-looking welder's mask.

As for Red Laser, I won't use the 91 CC helmet. It's got a sculpted snake on top of it. Red Laser is a Shadow, not a Cobra."

Or perhaps from conversations like this. In my defense, on this one I had just been arrested for trying to drown my son in his sleep...just letting you know.
"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scarrviper Agreed. Sweet customs.

They're just headswaps with new accessories, but thanks. "

I guess I can't even handle a compliment, but since it wasn't Bruce Lee giving it, I don't care about some roundeye hoodwink! I fucking live in Canada, we're an unhappy people, especially when we're homebound with deformed magpie feet and jerk off to Bruce Lee  from our wheelchairs. Ever pull a Multiple Miggs on your computer monitor from across the room, in a wheelchair with a diaper full of shit and crumbs from a grilled cheese sandwich? Me either.

 I must go now and apply some peanut butter to my feet so the neighbor's donkey can lick it off. I hope all you American roundeyes die in your sleep and when they find you, you've pooped yourselves! Jay out!

Up Close With: Sarah Palin's Family

Salutations space fruit worshipers. I am Phil Larry Potter's android, Sampson. If you have any questions, just say, "I wanna speak to Sampson." Comprendes, wife swappers? Faster than you can say, "Radar gloves can clean up your tasty cereal blocks.", i will proceed with an in depth interview with the family of the intelligent, serious, and genetically superior Sarah Palin!!!

"hello, Phil. Being governor of Hawaii was wonderful and full of opportunities to let minorities and non christians know how they should be dead. Being governor of Moon also gave me a chance to get jobs for my family."

"This is my brother, Zombie Nugget Palin. I made him Wizard General. He really wanted to be Gun Magic King, but I had already given that job to...
 
...Uncle Not Gay Pony Palin. As Gun Magic King, Uncle takes long baths and writes songs about old black men who dance in jail. Uncle Not gay Pony once stabbed a women with a wooden penis! His son was given a very important governmental post...










....My cousin, Gonad Pocohantes! He became "Minister of Soapy and  Groceries"! As Minister of Soapy and Groceries, Gonad loiters at laundromats and A&Ps. He has been given the power to throw hot coffee    the face of anyone not wearing rosary beads around their necks!                                                             

This is my nephew, Lloyd Mongo. He is the new "General Alien and Varmint Maitre'd". Lloyd is in charge of killing and raping illegal aliens and other minorities with that little stick. He doesn't speak, but when he needs more Triscuits he will smash your head against a wall.

The last office was taken by my sister, Gloria Cocktosen. I made her "Grand Mistake Gun Larry". Gloria makes sure everyone in the state has a gun and is prepared to use it on unarmed negroids and chinamen. She likes music.

I hope you all enjoyed meeting my family! Maybe we will all be moving to Washington and the white house, soon! I wish to thank Sampson, the android, for interviewing me and for not being black! MMMMwaaah! That was a kiss!

My Very Special Guest!

Heeeey! Phil Larry here, you penis snatchers! Look at my new co host..its a baby tusken raider! What do you think he looks like under that mask? Like this?

Phil Larry-Yikes! Didn't expect that. Anyway, tonight's last guest is a regular on Joedios, a Mexican doctor and speaks better english than a Cherokee wind talker! Iiiiiits...Icemay23!

Phil Larry-Hey there, Icemay23. Can you tell our audience a little about yourself? You have been called the songbird of our generation.

Icemay23-I find Duke and Ripcord and the movie has scenes for the accelerator for the donkey and the shiny pigs like to be cleaned. Bacon ghost!

Phil Larry-Oh. Soooo, Poggle, have you ever worked with Icemay23? Got any saucy stories???

Poggle the Lesser-Grrlooonk gapaeee! Ung chuk!

Phil Larry-He really put Ice Man's head on a City Strike Duke body? Fuck man! You are like the edge of some broken glass....shaaarp.

Icemay23-The front of the device cannot oblige my nose. Hey, bub...thats my taxi!

Poggle-Hlruuunnk, gootunk!

Phil Larry-Its time "To dance With Tanker"! Go tanker and don't let your diaper leak on stage again.

Tanker-I hate dark humans! Firefly is an anglo!
R3-G9-Beeeep, whistle, hoot.

Phil Larry-Hey everybody...its Gordon the producer. Are you here to feed me my Italian Ice, Gordon? I fuckin love that shit, man. I hired Gordon after I saw this laxative commercial he directed with Todd Bridges as a convicted rapist who cannot shit! Sup, Gordon?

Gordon-That fucking retard shit all over the stage again! I am sick of cleaning half digested blueberries off the floor! Who gave him a muffin??? Was it you, Icemay23?

Icemay23-I see the frogmen and I direct them into the basket of clouds!

Phil Larry-Good night folks and set your dvrs next week....The Ghost of Corey Haim will be here!

PLEASE!!! Kill Yourselves!

Hey there, Jerry again. Phil Larry is hiding from creditors in his parent's summer cottage in Maine. That means Ole Jerry is da boss! The people I would like to see kill themselves are the bizarre devils who posted the following items at Joedios:

"Greetings,

Question: if you were to bile a set to be used as a secret cobra intelligence base, who would lead it, man it, what sort of defense, and how many numbers of personnel?

Let's say the purpose of the base is not on the front lines... but more like an information center, gathering information from outposts around the world, or just around a region."

__________________
*~~~{==========- Death at Midnight -==========}~~~* 

 Here ya go, you goofy FUCK! If I were some jet-setting asian tycoon like yourself, who spends his days masturbating with a garlic press and ordering brides through the mail, this is the fort I'd make! I'd staff it with Epic Steven's 40 billion vipers(v1) and then I'd pay Donald, the hobo on the corner, to pee his bloody ooze he calls urine all over it and then torch it! "Death at Midnight"...what a stupid fucking topic! You and your concubine, Footloose, should go shoot some gay porn in a light box and DIE!

 Thats not even the worst topic, try this one...

---

"Greetings mortals!

Within days I'll be in Thailand. Specifically, besides Bangkok, I'll also be out in the remote country up in the mountains at about cloud level. During this time there won't be any way I could contact anyone--no cell phone signal, net access, or anything. Not even my new Droid phone with it's ability to generate a wireless hotspot will be useful. All I'll have is me, a camera, and my team of Joes.

But that's what I need your help in choosing. Which Joes to assign on my team? If you remember, Shipwreck and Chuckles have been on assignment in Thailand since December 2009. Hawk has just received word that they finally uncovered the location of Cobra in South Asia and also uncovered sensitive data on Cobra's secret operations there. This data will definately be useful to stopping Cobra's most recent diabolical plans. But which Joes do you think should go on this mission to retrieve Shipwreck and Chuckles? There is only room for two to three Joes for this mission.

Also, Cobra most certainly will attempt to stop us from reaching the rendezvous point in the Thailand mountains. But which Cobras would we encounter?

Your help/advice needed on which Joes to take and which Cobra's to take. I'll not take a lot with me, so two or three of each at the most.
http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5639658099629481091
Current candidates: POC Duke and Beachhead, POC Firefly. Any ninjas?

Deadline to give feedback will be Thursday night, 8/12/2010, midnight Central Standard Time. Afterwhich the mission will proceed. Any feedback after will be too late."

Is this guy insane? I read this and thought that the poor bastard's autistic. David Julian responded humorously with this:

"You definitely need some hookers for Shippy & Chucks in Bangkok."

Actually funny, right? To ruin this joke comes some dickless runt saying:

"LOL! You're right! How about those anime-style girls. There are some in 1:18 scale, no?"

Death at Midnite comes back with this...further reinforcing my belief that he is a gay, mongoloid eunuch:

"I have used gashapon figures in the past. There are some nice ones with long evening gowns. I not sure if T R U in central world survived, but that's where i found them. "

This penis picker calls himself a man? The only dames that Jerry and Phil Larry collect are chained in the basement, pending payment! I am sick of these nerds making the rest of us look bad. I have a call in to some friends of mine who, specifically, hate nerds who are also autistic and drive subarus...

These guys are trying to make Asians cool again. Fools like Death at Midnight, who refuses to ever give his real name, even when he's posting in a "introduce yourself" thread, have helped lose cred for our driving deficient friends in the East!