Only Assholes Cut Their Own Hair!!!

Hey y'all...Phil Larry Potter, here! If you happen to cut your own hair and it comes out okay, you're still an asshole! Pay the $12 and go to Pro Sluts and enjoy getting your scalp buried in nasty bosoms. I was trimming my nose hairs this morning and got to thinking about Flowbee! Yeah, what geniuses at Flowbee Corp! They convinced every coal miner and cheapskate to hook a robot scissor to your Hoover! Holy shit! Genius.

Look at this goofy fuck! You know, I can't give limo drivers shit, they gotta look good too, plus, I get my toot from a limo driver. Aldo Coctosen...helluva driver and when he drops off your toot, he throws in a hoagie and Sprite! Back to the haircuts...the assholes that bought a flowbee are the same assholes who wear their clothes in the shower to wash them! Instead of buying a pack of cancer sticks, go downtown and find a kindly, old Italian or Portuguese barber, just get there before 5A.M....otherwise you'll be waiting for an hour. My biggest fear was that flowbee would eat me!

In the end, I can see some clueless joe getting one because they don't know any better and they post a lot on Hisstank.com, but dames buying these???? Maybe if you're going for the unkempt look??? I don't know. I prefer ladies with short, post-chemo locks. No hair, no fuss!

Serves her right! Good writtens!

Qand A with Prudence Doty

Jerry Reed here, you fuckers! I just got out of the sheriff's farm for sodomizing a pepsi bottle and the first thing i thought of when i got out was Prudence Doty! I called that jiggly firebusher up and asked for a confidential interview that everyone could see and read...she agreed.

Jerry-Prudence...how do you take a shit, sitting still or buck naked, charging through a corn field?  

Prudence-Move, move, move....that's what its all about.....just don't forget to stop and admire the things around you while your moving through them.
Jerry-prudence, are there any celebrities, besides Carrot Top, that you'd like to stalk? 

1. Prudence-Bonnie Hunt........funny, entertaining and a refreshing joy to watch. I think I found a new 'best buddy' to hang with!! 
2.  
3. Jerry-Prudence,  do you have anything to say to children who are dying from terminal illnesses?
5. Prudence-Who's up for some 'livin life'?!? 
6.  
7. Jerry-Miss Doty,  are you aware of the trend where people are calling giant, black penises "sparks"?
8.  
9.    
10. Prudence-Y'know that *spark* that hits ya like a bolt of lightning? Can somebody send that my way?? Thanks! 
11.  
12. Jerry-Prudence, what do you yell when someone is pounding on the shitter door and you have a turtle head poking from your blistered asshole?
13. Prudence-Time, time, time......Give me just a little more time............all I ask is for more time...... 
14.  
15. Jerry-Miss Doty, do you have anything to say to Michael Richards...the actor who portrayed Kramer on Seinfeld?
16. Prudence-Michael, I just don't want to say goodbye.......but I want you to find peace-the peace you wished for the world......All My Love......thanks 
17.  
18. Jerry-Prudence, do you have any imaginary friends that had restraining orders against you?
19. Prudence-Michael Jackson........I miss my friend so much. 
20.  
21. Jerry-Can you describe your attitude towards Adolph Hitler and Glenn Beck?
22.  
23.  
24. Prudence-Focus on the legacy of genius........ 
25.  
26. Jerry-Prudence, you are aware that Michael Jackson was a retarded pedophile...right?
27. Prudence-Is it almost a week already that the world lost a genius? My GOD....... 
28.  
29. Jerry-Prudence, have you seen the clip on Youtube of Janet Reno, crashing an award ceremony for some brothers and falling drunk on her ass?
30. Prudence-Janet walking onto the BET Awards stage.........tore me up completely. God Bless 
31.  
32. Jerry-Prudence, are you a homophobe?
33.  
35. Prudence-Rain, rain go away........ 
36.  
37. Jerry-Are you aware that some of your fellow employees at IHOP have filed complaints against you for taking incredibly long shits and stinking up the joint?
38. Prudence-I get that there's a 'time constraint'....but seriously, let's give some of the great ones a little leeway....... 
39.  
40. Jerry-are you gay for Carrie Fisher?
41. Prudence-I am sooooooooooo going to see Carrie on Broadway this fall.......*birthday present*, hint, hint...... 
42.  
43. Jerry-So, you're a big old dyke?
44. Prudence-LIZA! LIZA LIZA! Judy is smiling down........w00t!! 
45.  
46. Jerry-Prudence...my final question. Are you remorseful for stalking and setting fire to Tony Danza?
47. Prudence-Wow.....the Tony's are really ON FIRE tonight!

Scooters for the elderly suck!

Look at this asshole! he's sooooo happy on his little, battery powered deathtrap. He's thinking, "I'm soooo independent and mobile and now I can wear that stupid fucking yellow sportscoat and buffoonish hat!" Good luck outracing zombies in that, pal! Okay, and foot races??? That's not a race! Real racing has running and sweating and old people collapsing and Kenyans. Walking is not racing...that's all. There's some potential for races that noone has ever capitalized on. For example, "Amputee racing"...I haven't decided if they have no legs and pull themselves up a flight of stairs to win, or have little saddles made and piggy back ride a chimp on rollerskates for a mile, while fighting Thunderdome style.
        Chimps! They rule, when they're not eating faces off dames. Chimps dressed up like people, doing people jobs...that cracks me up every time!

This asshole probably puts the chips up his ass and deals with his feet. Still, monkeys dressed up kill me. Did you ever want a little monkey servant? A little monkey to get you some coffee or Doritos? Don't! they bring you a coffee and mix the cream with boogie covered fingers then, right before they give it to you, they throw it against the wall and jump up and down, while screaming like a banshee.

This is like some child, chimney sweep, taxi driver. Its weird and it looks like it was done at Sears Portrait Studio.

Flies On My Food!

I fucking hate flies! Worse than mosquitoes! Mosquitoes don't try and steal my damn food and if they manage to get a quart of my fatty blood before i notice...god bless em! Flies, though, they're dirty and sneaky and i believe that they aren't even eating the food they land on! No! I believe they just like to land, take a dump, plant some eggs and screw. I hate them! Who loves ticks? NOT ME! They latch on and drink till they explode...that makes no sense to me, so obviously they are the invention of either Satan or Ben Franklin. What bugs DO I like? Well, I am partial to giant beetles, as long as they don't bite. Crickets can be fun and grasshoppers can be entertaining. The best bug ever has to be this guy

He's just misunderstood! All he wanted was a little foot rub and she runs away! WTF!

James Contrino "This blog has everything I love: Rocky Dennis, Mork and Charlton Heston!"

Yes! We do have everything...except running water and a decent toilet. I'm tired of shitting in the same pot that Jerry Reed boils hot dogs in!

I'm gonna have to look on Craigslist for a separate pot for just shitting in.

Okay, Jerry Reed, aka Harry Johnston, just invented a new confection...Octo Dogs. Take a look!

He woke me up from my cocaine stupor to show me these fucking things! I said they look like the tips of a penis some coalminer stuck an M80 in! These types of things don't surprise me anymore...Jerry reed is a weird dude...just take a look

i actually hate the guy, but since I haven't worked in 18 years and this is the only individual to let me near their home, I should be grateful. We first met when I was hitchhiking in Iowa and he pulled over in his 1973 Plymouth Duster. It was filled with plush toys that he actually buckled in with seatbelts. I asked what the fuck he was doing with a backseat full of plush toys and he pulled a machete out of his wig and told me to shut the fuck up! We've been inseparable ever since.

Bravo says i have a lot of shit on my walls.

Bravo is correct. I have a lot of shit on my walls, but not this:

 I wish I had this on my walls, in the store. After I first saw this as a kid, I was convinced Dr. Zaius and Admiral Ackbar were played by the same actor. You ever talk like Charlton Heston for no reason? I do..."Damn you all to hell!" I'll say that arbitrarily. It works great on people who have never seen the movie, or as I like to call them...Al Qaeda!

Our Magical Unicorns were drunk last night

Drunk...and high on cocaine! They were on the warpath, looking for jerkos with 3 3/4" chips on their shoulders. They didn't find any. What they found were some hard core assholes who complain when they find out something is made in China! Fuck you, you goofy fucks! The Chinese laborers need to eat to and so do I!